Attractive women meet, literally, thousands of men who show at least some interest in them. Many of these men will exaggerate or invent things about themselves to attract her. Women learn very quickly not to take what a man says at face value if they think he is trying to win her interest.
Women look for congruence. If a man supposedly has wealth and status, most women would expect him to act accordingly. He should be confident, pre-selected by other women, and a challenge.
These qualities are important because women need to be able to make quick judgments about men and assess their credibility. Many women place a lot of importance on the “congruence qualities” discussed in this section, as a man is less likely to convincingly fake these than he is to successfully lie about having wealth and status. Women have to do this. Otherwise, they will waste their time dating supposed movie moguls who actually don’t have a job.
In this context, congruence refers to having an internally consistent personality.
Consider a man who implied that he was an Olympic athlete, had friends who were movie stars, used to work as a professional comedian, and owns a mansion in Beverly Hills. Most women would probably be impressed. But if he was also shifty-eyed, made nervous gestures, seemed terrified of women, and jumped at any opportunity for a date that crossed his path, most women would be turned off. He would simply not be congruent.
A lot of the time women want to wait before getting physical with a man based on congruence checking. If a man “seems” great when she first meets him, the next date or two is often her time to assess whether he really is that person. (Don’t worry; we have a system for compressing or bypassing this process.)
In fact, congruence is so important that women often undertake this process in reverse. They know that men who are confident, pre-selected, and challenging will usually have lots going for them, and men who are not, generally do not. So many women will start out by looking for men who display the congruent qualities of being confident, pre-selected, and challenging.
Remember when you were nervous the first time you drove a car? You didn’t really know what to do, you didn’t think your chances of success without someone helping you would be very good, and you drove slowly and tentatively. You hoped nothing unusual or threatening would happen because you knew you might not be able to handle it.
But then you got good at driving. You know you’re good at it. It’s no big deal. You can do it while listening to the radio, eating a sandwich, or talking to passengers. Also, You can have fun. And You can handle more or less anything that’s likely to happen on the road.
Now think about confidence in general.
A man who is confident is essentially saying to himself: “I’m good at this stuff. I can handle more or less anything that’s likely to happen to me here. And I can have fun doing it.” Unless he’s delusional, this confidence probably comes from having been successful.
So a woman sees a confident man, and she feels good around him. She assumes he knows what he’s doing, that things are no big deal and he can have fun, and he can handle whatever life might throw at him.
Incidentally, this is one reason why things like body language are so important. Let’s
take relaxed shoulders as an example, which is just one of the dozens of elements of confident body language. There’s nothing inherently attractive about relaxed shoulders. Look at yourself in the mirror.
Relax your shoulders and let them fall back. Now tighten them and raise them. Do you think you look any sexier or less sexy?
However, confident men are disproportionately likely to spend more time with their shoulders relaxed.
Because they are confident, they can do this. They don’t have to be on edge all the time, always vigilant for threats. They are secure in their position and their skills.
(They’d better be, or their convenience will be their downfall…)
Over time, women who like men with relaxed shoulders tend to end up with a greater share of confient men. And if confidence is correlated with success, then this means that they end up with a greater share of successful men. That means their children will be more successful. Over time, their children will overwhelm the children of women who mate with men with tense shoulders.
Even though there’s nothing inherently sexy about relaxed shoulders, or eye contact, standing with your feet a decent distance apart, or any physical indicator of convenience, these little things add up to make all the difference in the world. In any case, it’s probably not news to you that confidence is sexually attractive to women. So let’s move into some of the implications.
- Men tend to develop confidence by increasing achievement with things that can be measured. Working out not only helps your Health (see above), but as you improve from a 100lb bench press to a 110lb bench press and from a 10-minute to a 9-minute mile, it develops a feeling of accomplishment that can influence other areas of your life.
- Keep a journal or a private blog – and make it simple so it doesn’t become a burden. You’ll be surprised at how much success you will enjoy using the techniques from Magic Bullets. Break your social life down into steps.
Did you successfully Approach any beautiful women today?
- Are you better at it than last week? How many dates did you have last month? Compare that to how many dates you’ll have this coming month. Men who study dating science often aren’t aware of the progress they’ve been making unless they keep detailed notes. It’s very easy to despair at the road ahead of you if you don’t keep an eye on the distance you’ve already covered.
- Consciously base your self-esteem on factors other than women’s approval.
- Don’t be arrogant. People who talk about how great they are all the time (even though they are genuinely very good at a specific thing) are generally thought by others to be deeply insecure.
Insecurity reflects a lack of self-confidence. People will eventually clue into that, and you’ll have difficulty actually keeping a girlfriend. If you’re that person, and you don’t change, you’ll likely end up alone, surrounded by people who think they can get something out of you or who are just as insecure as you.
Women know – and their biological impulses certainly know – that whether other women are attracted to a man is a useful guide for them. While individual tastes differ, most women know that they are looking for roughly the same qualities as the rest of their gender: health, convenience, status, and so on. When women are interested in you, you are pre-selected and therefore more interesting to other women.
Never talk about lack of success with women or “open up” to her by revealing something like how your ex-girlfriend dumped you or how lonely you are. This remains true even if a woman has just told you something similar about herself. But don’t make the opposite mistake either
- Pre-selection should be communicated subtly. If you are enjoying increased success with women compared to the past, it is natural to want to talk about this. Don’t.
- Ambiguity is your friend. Being seen with or referring to attractive female “friends” is great. You won’t necessarily come across as a player, but a woman will realize that other women are intrigued by you.
- Pre-selection is contextual and relative. A woman will be most affected by pre-selection from other women whose opinions she trusts, who are most like her, or who are at or above her level.
A man who is successful in life will generally want to be with a desirable woman. He won’t rush at the first woman he sees, he’ll have standards, and he won’t be easy to win over. In short, he’s a challenge.
People value what they have to work for. If you go through a series of grueling interviews with a company before they give you a job, you’ll feel differently about it than if they offered it to you after a five-minute interview. People like to be internally consistent. So if you believe that it was worth going through those interviews, you will want to believe that the job you got was worth it. Otherwise, you would have to wonder why you went through that experience.
Some initiation rituals in college fraternities in the United States have a similar purpose. These rituals can be purposefully unpleasant and intense. If you complete them, you will be psychologically predisposed to believing that the rituals were “worth it” because being part of the fraternity is such a positive experience.
[I have no opinion on this one way or another; fraternities were not a big part of campus life at my college.]
- Never give off the impression that you are desperate or lonely.
- Make her work to get you. Not too much, or she’ll get bored or frustrated, but ensure that there is some doubt in her mind before you commit. This is one of the major processes that take place in Qualifiation.
- Just because she is interested in you is NOT a reason for you to be interested in her. This is also part of Qualifiation.
- Don’t play too hard to get either. Especially before she’s had a chance to get really into you, playing aloof won’t interest her.
- Don’t be affected by the little games some women play.
With these three congruent qualities, we now have a strong evolutionary profile. A man who was able to display all of the above characteristics would be:
- Socially Skilled (Social Intuition).
- Funny (Humor).