Non-verbal Communication: Your Way To Be Charming

Get the woman you are interested in attracted to you!

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What Is Non-verbal Communication? (“The Other 93%”)

Many academic studies have emphasized the importance of non-verbal over verbal communication.
An oft-quoted figure is that 93% of communication is non-verbal. This is generally consistent with our experience.

One of the good things about the techniques in this guide is that they apply well beyond the dating world. Improving your non-verbal communication can help in many aspects of your social and professional life. Because of this, it’s entirely normal to practice and ask for feedback on your non-verbal communication.
Non-verbal communication is generally thought of, in simplest terms, as tonality and body
language.

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Tonality

Tonality refers to how you say something, especially the volume, speed, and pitch of your voice.

Volume

Be louder. Most men at bars and nightclubs are too quiet, and it’s extremely rare to see a sober man who is too loud. At first, you may “lose your voice” from being louder. This is actually a good thing.
Your vocal muscles are like any other muscles in the body; they become stronger after exertion and a recovery period. Deepening your pitch (see below) can also allow you to project your voice.
A commanding, confident voice is an extremely powerful tool. In contrast, a quiet or timid voice is as unattractive to women as a limp-wristed handshake. Early in an interaction, a woman should never have to strain to hear you or ask you to repeat yourself; if she does, that’s a sure sign that you are not being loud enough. Later – once you get into the Comfort phase certainly – it’s okay to make her lean in to hear you sometimes to build intimacy.
Don’t let yourself get interrupted or talked over, especially by another man. If you’re talking and someone else interrupts, keep talking until you finish your thought.

Hint: You may feel uncomfortable at first speaking with a commanding, loud voice. Just
because you feel that way doesn’t mean it’s too much. Often, at first, it’s still not loud
enough. Experiment and don’t be afraid to push boundaries a bit to see where the line
is, as far as volume goes.

Speed

Pace your delivery. Many men speak too quickly, especially when first meeting a woman. This suggests nervousness as if you have to say your piece quickly before people stop paying attention. Adopt the attitude that you are interesting, that what you have to say is interesting, and that you are used to people listening to what you have to say.
Many men talk too quickly without realizing it. Consciously slow down your delivery in your next few interactions with women; you may be surprised by your improved results. In addition, by slowing down your speech, you will make it easier for others to understand you, especially in loud environments.

Pitch

Deepen your voice: As I mentioned in Chapter 5 on Opening, your voice should usually come from your chest, not from your throat. To try this out, put your hand on your chest, right below your pectorals, and try to talk in two different ways: one in which you can feel the vibrations on your hand, and one where you can’t. Consciously train yourself to speak in a way that you can feel the vibrations.
That’s your chest voice and it’s what you should normally use to talk to women.

Variability

Use vocal modulation: Let your voice acquire a variable rhythm and tone. Use it to express emotion.
If not, you will sound “flat” and have a difficult time retaining anyone’s interest. Again, push “too far” in the direction of expressiveness. What at first feels like too much is often the right amount or even still not enough

Body Language

Good body language is relaxed, calm, and confident. Bad body language is associated with (and usually comes from) insecurity, nervousness, and defensiveness.
As a general rule, if a position looks uncomfortable, it conveys low status. This is true whether or not a position happens to be comfortable for you. High-status men do not tend to squish themselves into awkward or uncomfortable positions.

The following list highlights the most important body language dos and don’ts. But they don’t all have the same importance. Focus first on everything in the head and face section (especially eye contact) and keep your shoulders back. It’s hard to simultaneously focus on 18 different things that your body is doing, especially while you’re also trying to carry on a conversation. So focus on a couple of them at a time, internalize them until you don’t have to consciously think about them, and then move on to the next ones.

Overall posture

  • Don’t lean forward to talk to someone. Tilt your head if you need to, but don’t lean in so someone can hear you or so you can hear them. If you’re having trouble being heard, speak up. If you can’t hear someone, either carry on talking (before the Qualification phase) or suggest you move somewhere quieter (in the Qualification phase or subsequently).
  • Don’t slouch. Stand up straight. Sit straight. Not like a statue, you need to be relaxed a little bit, but don’t hunch your shoulders or curve your back.
  • Take up space. Within the boundaries of social politeness, don’t be overly concerned about others’ personal space. Men who are comfortable taking more physical space tend to be more attractive to women.

Head and face

  • Eye contact is probably the most important element of body language. Hold eye contact 50% of the time when you are being spoken to and 90% of the time when you are speaking. If you are speaking to a group, switch eye contact between group members; at any given time, you should be making eye contact with one of them. At least early on, everyone in a group should get roughly equal attention; if anything, the woman you are interested in should get slightly less, not more.
    This helps make you a challenge to her.
  • Keep your head up. Your neck should always be straight unless there is a specific reason to look down. This is a difficult one to internalize. Check yourself regularly. When I was learning to improve my body language, I focused on my head by doing a random spot-check every time I heard a phone ring.
  • Relax your facial muscles, especially around your eyes and mouth. Go for a facial massage if you need to learn what relaxed facial muscles feel like.
  • Smile. Show some teeth with your smile. Practice your smiles in front of the mirror. You should be smiling more often than not. Smiling actually releases positive brain chemicals, and this will help you develop a naturally positive and outgoing demeanor. And don’t just smile with your mouth.
    The eyes are equally important and are the easiest way to tell between a fake and a real smile.

Chest and shoulders

  • Keep your shoulders relaxed, down, and back. This is another difficult one to internalize and can also benefit from the “spot check” technique described above.
  • When your shoulders are back, your chest should come out a bit. Don’t puff up your chest any more than happens naturally through good shoulder positioning. That looks silly. Trust me, I tried this when I was starting out.

Legs and feet

  • Keep your feet at least shoulder-width apart when you are standing.
  • Allow your legs to take up a reasonable amount of space when sitting – don’t curl your legs under you or do anything to minimize the physical space you occupy.
  • When you’re walking take big (but not ridiculous) steps but walk slower than normal. Your walk should communicate confidence and power. Imagine that you own the venue. Internalize this thought. Now walk. Feel the difference.

Arms and hands

  • Don’t fidget. Fidgeting implies nervousness and insecurity. If you tend to fidget, keep away from objects that may be problematic for you (pens, rings, napkins, etc.).
  • Keep your hands out of your pockets.
  • Don’t make sudden wild gestures.
  • Don’t let your arms become a barrier between you and someone you are talking to (e.g., holding a drink between you).
  • If you’re like me and naturally have major problems making your hands behave themselves when you’re in a conversation, consider hooking one or both of your thumbs into the belt loops of your pants or the top of your pockets.
  • When you walk, keep your arms relaxed and to the sides of your body.

 

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